We all make mistakes. We all speak, think, and do things we are embarrassed about or were not a part of us. We are all sinners in need of savior. A fact which has become more clear each day of motherhood. Since becoming a mom it seems the list of "things to work on" has grown (or maybe its not that I do more wrong, just that I am more aware of it). There is now a whole new area of my life in which I can make mistakes, and a new person it affects.
The first few months of Ethan's life really are a blur to me.. a mix of depression, happiness, sleep deprivation hormones gone crazy, and life changing months.. (strange that something so life changing in hindsight is so hard to remember).
The happiness and lack of sleep are things I have covered in depth on the blog. For a moment, as I reflect back on this past year, I want to share a bit of my story which isn't so pretty and so neatly packaged. It has a bit more reality and little less neatness. Life is messy. Life is hard. Life is challenging. In those moments I become increasingly aware of the areas I fall short, and with that am reminded ever more of my need for Christ in my life.
In the early weeks of Ethan's life I had many nights when I would cry for no reason, be angry over something insignificant (though at the time it was my world.. ).. as the weeks passed the hormone craziness got less, but the overall depression got worse. Part of me hesitates to call it "depression".. I was still eating, sleeping, and functioning (as much as a new mom can). But when a friend came over and asked me, "Jen, when was the last time you left the house?" I knew I was in deep.. at that time Ethan was about 7 weeks old and we had taken to spending a lot of time on the couch.. in all honestly I think for about a week I only left the couch to do basic things (and at that time I still wasn't showering everyday). That was my "low" point.. I felt trapped.. that if I didn't make a change I might still be living on that couch when Ethan was year. (In my mind I knew eventually things would change.. but in my heart I knew I had to start that change). It started small.. leaving the house with Ethan but without my husband. At the time this was a huge deal for me.. I had somehow managed to go 7 weeks without doing this.
Looking back I know that it was not me who "made the change". It was the Lord working through those around me to encourage me. Even in my low points He never stopped pursing me. Do I consistently pursue God? Definitely No.. Does he consistently pursue me? Absolutely Yes. Even when I feel far from Him, or I have made mistakes, or I have intentionally distanced myself from Him.. He is faithful and He continues to pursue me. What grace He has shown to me.
One person He used over and over and over was my husband, Steve. He continually preached the Gospel to me.. even at 3am or 4am or 5am.. when he had a long work day coming (and I would be napping with the baby) Steve would get up and encourage me.. through prayer, reading of God's word, or just making sure I was okay. He also pushed me to stay connected to friends (and not just in "virtual" online world, but through in person spending time together). He knew that I needed support from others, even if I didn't. Looking back, it was God working through Steve.
As we approach Thanksgiving.. I am ever thankful for Salvation through Christ whose love covers a multitude of sins, and for a God who continues to pursue me everyday.
